i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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