sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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