my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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