hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
