Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
