So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
