What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
