Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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