Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
