hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
cat food counts as protein by the way
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
