WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize