did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
