Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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