I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
