Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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