I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
