I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
