4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I cut my penus on the lid.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
