I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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