I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
