DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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