she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
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