wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
