I puked a lego.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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