Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
