Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
