I met the friendliest cop last night
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Dating After Heartbreak
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.