he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.