Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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