My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
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