I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I don't deserve a penis
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
i've created a new STD.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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