I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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