its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
