well I can't set my house on fire every night
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
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update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
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I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.