He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
