Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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