My sheets look like a crime scene.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
