Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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