We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I am naked and annoyed.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
