I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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