now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
sarcasm needs its own font
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
