i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
