how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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