So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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