i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
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