so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
