i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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