Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
