i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
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He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
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ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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