He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
areolas are like halos for boobs.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Randomize
