i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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