I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
