I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
