So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
