We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
