The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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