Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
