I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
