At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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