she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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