so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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