I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
